another fool

2003-06-20T03:26:00.000-04:00

I've decided to kill the journal. Chances are I'll try try again in the future sometime. The problem is that I only know what I don't want this to be. I don't want quizzes and I don't want surveys and I don't want gushy bullshit. The question is, what does that leave? If I ever figure out what I'm really looking for I'll return.

So, until further notice, I no longer have a personal website. It's bound to return in some form or another, be it in a week, a month, or a year. And next time it'll capture your interest better. But for now, I'm done.

2003-06-17T02:43:00.000-04:00

I felt utterly devoid of thought or feeling. My solution? Run and hide.

I'm reading a book on the philosophy of Bertrand Russel I can't readily follow. I have to pay attention and refer to a dictionary every page. Before I realized what had happened, I found myself reading the dictionary itself. I'm that cool you know.

It was starting to drive me mad. Every word is based on every other. It all feels like one big abstraction without solid basis in reality. And reality can't even be defined because it's just another piece of the puzzle! I guess I should study linguistics. Not that an ugly trollop like you would even care. That's my new favorite insult by the way. I found it while word-hopping.

trol·lop noun
A vulgar or disreputable woman; especially : one who engages in sex promiscuously or for money

Now I can call people ugly whores and they won't even realize it. And this is, um, useful and worthwhile somehow.

2003-06-16T13:08:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Birdie!

and

Happy Birthday Jessie!

You're both incredible people and I'm ever so glad I met you. It's made my life much more interesting. Mhmm. I feel privelaged to know you.

2003-06-15T01:19:00.000-04:00

I excel at feeling dead and spaced out. I wish I could actually sleep. Even during the school year I had trouble sleeping before 1. Now that I wake up later it's even worse. I'm lucky to fall asleep by 3 am. I'm a very strange, neurotic creature.

The only good thing about the weirdness is that it assists the creative process. I came up with many a good idea or poem or whatnot last summer in a daze at 4 am. Perhaps I can repeat that this year. I haven't actually managed to come up with anything of real interest in quite awhile. I just get bored of my voice and my writing and my music and all the telltale signs of who I am.

I wonder if I'm just someone's puppet sometimes, as I watch my fingers scurry across the keyboard. I hardly seem to control the movement. The keys click, click, click as the hastily formed sentences sort themselves out on the screen. And you sit there taking it all in, making of my thoughts what you will.

I want to walk through the dark, empty streets and let my mind wander where it will. Up through trees and down rabbit holes right into the souls of butterflies. I should really read Alice in Wonderland sometime. And take that walk. I'll let the quiet of the night wrap around me like a blanket and fall asleep to dream.

2003-06-12T20:11:00.000-04:00

I meant to update every day this week to get the maximum effect. I guess I've failed in that endeavor. Blogger and my own laziness conspired against me. And the fact that the comment feature disappears for hours at a time annoys me. But the grand experiment goes on!

Considering it's summer, I've been surprisingly active. I'm not sure if this is just an oddball week or if the pattern will continue. Hopefully it will. Seeing other people keeps me tethered to reality, and it makes me feel less pathetic.

I'm actually feeling sort of optimistic at the moment. It's a carry over form last night. My book by the radical Saul D. Alinsky combined with Amanda's energetic Save the Manatees! mood boosted me out of my cynicism, which is too often blanketed around me. I prefer optimism and hope. I like to think it's realistic hope and not just naive.

Cynical people don't get anything done. Hope is necessary to make the energy needed to accomplish what you want. Wry observations and cynical remarks only go so far. Although sarcasm can be great fun, it also lends itself to apathy and disillusionment. I'd prefer to take a happier, active approach to life when possible.

2003-06-09T14:26:00.000-04:00

I typed up a whole pretty little entry yesterday, but then Blogger had the audacity to malfunction. My mumblings were lost for eternity. *tear* But rest assured, I had absolutely nothing worth saying.

I am so very glad not to be in school right now. I'm a fairly happy critter at the moment. Someone makes me happy. And its summer vacation. I can sit idly feeling spaced out in peace. It looks downcast outside. I like it.

I went downtown last night with other humans. Good food, rain, and conversation. Nice. I'm going to start a book called The Pain of Being Human soon. The title just drew me in. It's actually looks to be a really good, philosophical type deal. I took it from a bookshelf at my dad's.

I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not that I chose to update this so soon after waking up. On the bright side, I haven't read the news yet so I can't go off on a political tangent. On the downside, my mind feels mostly blank. The nice thing is that the whole matter is insignificant. Most things are. We attach too much value to things that don't deserve any thought or feeling, and we ignore other aspects of life that really count. Human beings are silly, misguided creatures.

I am a silly, misguided creature. It makes for an interesting life I guess. My oh my. This is so horribly pointless. I'm really starting to like it.

2003-06-07T19:06:00.000-04:00

Consider this an experiment. I'll use this site for at least a week and decide what, if any, value it has.

I saw Harold & Maude last night in its entirety for the first time. It's now one of my favorite movies. All anyone else managed to say about it was that it's "one warped movie" but I thought it was great. Harold is my hero. I demand that you watch it, assuming you're eccentric enough to appreciate the morbid humor.

Today has been ... slow. But that's ok. It's summer. I should expect nothing less than a slowly unfolding day of nothingness. I've been sitting here thinking away and actually listening to Cat Stevens music.

It's nice outside. Too bad I've hardly ventured away from the computer let alone the house. Shh I'm not pathetic.

I have a plan. First order of business: I'm going for a walk. I'll glare at the birds and write poems in my mind about the wobbly little kiddies running through the park. And after my little journey I'll come back here and finally watch Clockwork Orange in it's entirety. I've only seen the first half.

Yep. I'm out. I dedicate this entry to all forms of the word wobble.

2003-06-07T00:49:00.000-04:00

Let's face it: I'm never going to like the design for this website. With that in mind, I'll ignore how ugly I think it looks and begin writing here as of today.

School ended earlier. It is summer vacation. And unlike any other time I remember, I'm actually apprehensive. It must be a fear of boredom. Over the last year I've let myself grow attached to certain people. Summer will therefore cause strain as I am seperated from that which I hold close. So it goes.

For the most part it should be gooood. I always love summer. Erratic sleeping, reading, thinking, writing, and ocasionaly - yes! - hanging out with friends. I have more of a need for that than ever before. I'm getting more insecure with time. But I think I'll manage to keep myself occupied this summer. I'll do fine.

I'm trying to decide how best to use this space. I could exploit it as an oppurtunity to never shut up. I could have more of the same that is featured on the unmotivated. I could end up giving detailed accounts of my personal life and cry for attention. Yep, I can be a proud hypocrite.

I think the best route might be some of what I do best. Concise thoughts on whatever seems interesting, with that fun sarcastic spin I bring to everything. If my writing doesn't meet up to my own standards I'll kill this site in a heartbeat. No one needs to suffer through more useless crap. Trust me, there's plenty of it online as it is.

2003-05-19T20:13:00.000-04:00

I'm really just testing the waters. When I have a nice design and quality content and whatnot I will declare the site functional and tell people about it. Until then, I'm sort of just blogging to myself.